


Dear Cyrus

by RJW



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Apologies, Love Confessions, M/M, Romance, Teenage Drama, Tyrus is Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-15 17:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18077501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RJW/pseuds/RJW
Summary: It’s about 3 am when I’m writing this. I can’t sleep. I can’t get your sad face out of my mind. I’ve made you sad. I’m so, so sorry about that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I should be working on my new angsty multi-chapter fic, but that's a real struggle to get right. Instead, this just came up...

_  
Dear Cyrus,_

_It’s about 3 am when I’m writing this. I can’t sleep. I can’t get your sad face out of my mind. I’ve made you sad. I’m so, so sorry about that. I hate myself for it. Of course, I should have you told you this today in person, I should have made things right with you right away. I should have sent Kira away, and tell her to find someone else to manipulate. But I’m a coward, Cyrus… I’m just not brave enough to tell you the things I really need you to know. That’s why I’m writing it down. Up until this point, I’m not sure if I’m going to send this message to you. Amber convinced me to write down my feelings. I got home in a really foul mood you know, and Amber nagged me until the truth came out. I’m not ashamed to admit I shed some tears. No, not ashamed of that… Crazy, huh? Then why can’t I just tell you how I feel? Why does it have to be so difficult? I’ve asked myself that question over and over again today._

_When I saw you this morning, I immediately felt terrible about myself. And afterwards, it felt like everyone was glaring at me. Well, at least Buffy was. She’s very perceptive. I think she already knows what I’m trying to tell you here. I think that’s the reason she’s very angry with me now. It’s because I made you sad, and I should have made you happy. You deserve to be happy. The worst part is that I know you’re not angry with me. I’m not even sure if you know how to be angry with someone. You’re just disappointed and sad, and that feels even worse for me. Somehow, I feel it would have been so liberating if you had just yelled at me. But you didn’t. You just walked away, and you were sitting slumped down on a bench, looking all sad, and so cute in your outfit._

_There… I just said it. No, I wrote it. I’m too much of a coward to say it out loud. I thought you looked cute._

_Cute_

_You looked cute._

_Strange… It’s just a simple four-letter word. How can just one short word make you feel so anxious in advance? Now that I’ve written it down, it doesn’t seem to be so hard at all. Because it’s the truth. It’s simple as that. Why do I feel so nervous about admitting the truth? I keep reading the sentence I myself wrote over and over again, and somehow it calms me down now. Let me try again._

_I think you’re cute._

_I think you’re the most amazing person I've ever met._

_I think you’re completely adorable._

_Here and now, on my own, in my own bedroom at night, it isn’t really hard to write those things down. I just found that out. But when I’m on my own, I can just be…, well, who I am. There’s no one to judge me. No one I have to impress. No one I have to live up to. I’m not sure if I feel the same when I’m surrounded with people, in the morning, at school._

_When you think about it, it’s really crazy and unfair, don’t you think? Apparently, it’s just not that easy to be yourself in this society. Is my life all an act then? How did I become an actor in my own life, Cyrus? How and when did that all happen?_

_As I’m writing this down, I just realized something. Something very important. It all has to do with you. I just realized I changed my act in the past year. No, I didn’t change it, it just became less… important to keep up the act. Wow. That’s all you. It has to be. I remember clearly. I was a complete jerk to everyone. I was closed off, I suppose. And then came you. You could see right through me. Do you remember when you told me there was nothing wrong with me? It was during a basketball game that I wasn’t allowed to participate in. I even remember that I was rude to you, and even then, you didn’t walk away from me. You helped me. I think that was the moment I started changing. You’re the one helping me to be my own person._

_Writing this all down really helped me see that. I have to thank Amber for that later._

_If I’m honest, being my own person scares the shit out of me. I’m not sure if I like all the aspects of the real me. Maybe you can help me some more please? You’re such an amazing person. You’re always just… you. And I like you. I don’t want to lose you in my life. I’m so sorry for hurting you, Cyrus. Can you please forgive me? I think what Kira did was bring out the act again. She basically said, that I would look weird doing a costume together with you. Only because you’re a boy. God, I was stupid. Why should it matter? I don’t want to do the act anymore Cyrus. I want to be myself. I should have done the costume with you. Did I already say I’m sorry?_

_Cyrus, for the record:_

_I. Like. You.  
I really really like you._

_So you understand: I like you as in an I-want-to-hold-your-hand kind of way. I want to go to the movies with you and buy you popcorn. I want you to wear my hoodies. I want to walk you home after school. I want us to sit next to each other on the couch and watch some dinosaur documentary, and I want you to ramble along about all the fun facts you come up with. And I want to get to the point I realize I didn’t hear a word you were saying, because I was lost in your brown eyes._

_Okay. Wow. I did just write that down. It turns out I’m a complete sap…_

_Maybe you’re weirded out by all this. Maybe you don’t even get to this point, because you don’t want to read my message till the end. Maybe you don’t want to read my message at all._

_Heck, maybe I won’t send this message at all. I’m a coward remember?_

_If, by some miracle, there is a time and place where you’re reading this, know this. I want to be brave. I want to do better. I want to do that for you Cyrus. And even if you don’t feel the same way as I do, I want you to be my friend. I hope you can still be my friend. You make me a better person._

_If you don’t want anything to do with me anymore…, well, I’ll try to accept that too. I guess it’s all my fault then. But at least I’ve been honest with you now. I’ve been honest with myself. Maybe that’s even more important. If I know you a little bit, and I think I do, I think there’s a chance that you can forgive me at some point. I’m really hoping that you will._

_That’s it. That’s all there is to say for now. Now I have to make a big decision. Do I send this message or not?_

_I’m sorry for today Cyrus._

_Love,  
TJ_

__  
TJ was sitting on his bed, cross-legged, with his laptop in his lap. The light coming from the screen illuminated his face. There were no sounds to be heard, only the silence of the quiet night. TJ read his message over and over again. It felt like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He let the cursor hover over the delete-button in his mail program. He couldn’t get himself to press the button. Decisions had to be made now. It’s just such a simple action. Just move your cursor to the send button and press it.

Just do it, it’s only a mechanical action.

Move. Press.

There it is, a button that says _Send_. Now move the cursor. Move it. Move it until the cursor hovers over that button. That’s it. Now press the button. You only have to move one finger. Press it.

TJ swallowed down a lump in his throat.

Then he pressed the button.

He closed his laptop, put it aside, and crawled under his duvet.

He fell asleep right away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, the originally-totally-not-intended second chapter! It was hard to ignore all the requests :-).

_  
Dear TJ,_

_According to my alarm clock it’s now 5:53 am. I was probably destined to read your message right away. I woke up a couple of minutes ago, because I needed to go to the bathroom. It’s very unusual, because almost every night I sleep undisturbedly until the bloody alarm wakes me at 7:15. But apparently that’s not the case this night. Moreover, for some reason I decided to check my phone for notifications and messages. That’s also very unusual, because I’m really not allowed to have my phone turned on during the night, and I’m not someone for breaking the rules. (Besides, do you know that blue light coming from phone screens interferes with your brain’s day and night rhythm, and thus has un unhealthy influence on your night’s sleep?)_

_Okay, now I’m rambling nerdy tidbits in an email. Sorry about that._

_You know TJ, maybe I’m procrastinating a bit here… The truth is, I’m not sure how to respond to your email. All the emotions in me are fighting for attention and I’m trying to make sense of them. So I’ve decided to follow Amber’s advice and write them down, just like you._

_First of all, I’m so proud of you TJ!!! I don’t think you’re a coward at all. The mere fact that I’m writing this now means that I’ve read your email, and that you were brave enough to send it to me. And wow…., it has completely overwhelmed me. You poured your heart out to me, and that’s not easy to do. Like you said, sometimes it’s safer and easier to put up an act than to show the outside world the real you. I think it’s one of my gifts, to spot what’s an act, and what’s real in someone. I’m usually able to distinguish a person’s real character and motives from the fake ones. It’s an ability I’m rather proud of, to be honest. So, yeah…, I could clearly see there was something more there, the first time we met. Something that was worth discovering, maybe something vulnerable but definitely something that was in no way related to the scary-basketball-guy-act you were trying to put up. Subconsciously I had already spotted the sweet person that you really are. (Yes, I think you’re sweet ☺)_

_Second, I’m so honored you’ve decided to confide in me. Most of the time, I just feel like I’m second choice to everyone. Sometimes I don’t feel worthy of an other person’s attention. It makes me feel sad and inferior. The last couple of weeks (months?), I felt differently around you. You seemed to put me in first place. It made me feel special. You can be such a good friend TJ. You even baked me a challah bread! I mean, who does that? Maybe I didn’t show it enough, but I was so thankful for it. And then to trust me with your most personal feelings makes me feel special again._

_So third…, when you showed up this morning, not dressed up like summer, as you had promised, I felt devastated. I don’t want to lie to you TJ, but that’s the truth. I think you figured that out already. It felt like I was second choice once again, like I wasn’t good enough for you. Just when I thought you were the best friend I was ever going to have (maybe more…), the costume drama happened. Can you imagine how hard it was afterwards to explain to my mother why I stole her colander, only to not have used for my costume in the end, and why…? (O god, I wore a colander on my head…, let’s hope no one took pictures.)_

_Fourth emotion…, anger. You’re right. I’m not someone who get’s angry easily. And I’m not mad at you TJ, certainly not after your email. I can’t even imagine myself yelling at you, for whatever reason. But don’t underestimate me, the feelings I have for Kira are not in any way nice. The world can do without people who are manipulative and make you hide you true feelings and emotions. You should always feel safe and free to express whatever you want. You can’t control your feelings, and you can never be blamed for them. I’m sorry you had to feel that way TJ, and Kira is to blame for it. But let’s not waste any energy on her anymore._

_Fifth, I feel a bit scared for what I’m going to write now, and that’s a bit silly when I think about it. But, as you can confirm, there’s a huge difference between rational thinking, and your emotions that are telling you the complete opposite. TJ, you have to know something about me. I already told Buffy, Andi and Jonah. Considering everything I wrote before this, it’s really hard to explain why it feels so difficult to tell you, because, know this, I feel safe with you._

_Okay, let’s just rip off the band-aid. It’s my turn to be brave, I guess._

_TJ, I’m gay._

_Are you shocked? Are you mad I didn’t tell you earlier? Do you think it was silly I was afraid to tell you? Hence, my next emotion:_

_Number six: regret. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I was afraid to lose the friendship we had. I hope you’re not angry with me for this. Can you understand I was afraid of losing you? Now I’ve read your email, I know I’ve been stupid. We’ve lost so much time. You see TJ…., I like you too. Very much. Very very much. And that’s number seven!_

_So you understand: I like you as in an I-want-to-have-your-arms-around-my-waist-during-a-slow-dance kind of way. I want to show you off to my aunt Ruthie so she will finally stop nagging me about getting a girlfriend. I want us to share a milkshake at The Spoon. I want to rest my head on your shoulder while we’re watching one of your movies. And I want not to feel guilty about falling asleep doing that, because you wrapped your arm around me and pulled me in even closer._

_In case I wasn’t clear enough, I’m a complete sap too…_

_Eighth (last one), I’m flattered and a bit confused. Do you really like me? Is it really true? I can hardly wrap my head around it. You’re so popular, and athletic, and handsome… I’m just…, well…, me. Yes, I can already hear you saying that I have to stop putting myself down, but like I said, I’m used to feeling second choice. It’s hard to believe I’m someone’s first choice (especially if that someone is you). Maybe we just have to help each other with our feelings. We can do that! You say I make you a better person. Well, you make me a better person. I’ll promise you I’ll support you in being your own person. I hope you’ll be there for me when I’m feeling insecure._

_I forgive you TJ._

_We’re going to see each other soon at school, in only a couple of hours. To avoid an awkward encounter and we don’t know if we read each other messages, can you maybe wear your light blue hoodie today? Then I’ll know for sure you have received this message. You look so handsome in it! (No, you look hot in it… O god, I’m blushing writing this down… I’m so awkward…). I will be waiting for you in front of the main entrance._

_See you soon TJ!_

_Love,_  
_Your Cyrus_  


Cyrus nervously bounced on his feet, standing in front of the school. He held tightly on to the straps of his backpack. He felt so nervous after sending TJ his reply this morning, he wasn’t able to sleep anymore. There still were some doubts occupying his mind. What if it was a joke? What if TJ didn’t really mean it? Did he ruin everything now? He scolded himself for those thoughts, but he couldn’t really get rid of them.

After a couple of hour-lasting minutes, He finally spotted a tall blond boy heading towards the school. Cyrus’ heart skipped a beat, and then sped up while looking at him. He noticed TJ’s clothing.

TJ wore his light blue hoodie. God, he looked good in it.

Cyrus didn’t take his eyes off of TJ, while the other boy walked the distance over to him, until he was standing in front of Cyrus, looking at him with a nervous smile, but with his eyes sparkling. Both boys didn’t say a word. They had already exchanged enough words this night. There was no need for talking right now.

Cyrus simply held out his hand to the other boy, offering it. TJ looked down at it. He then closed his eyes for a moment, and took a deep breath in through his nose, and a quick breath out through his mouth. He opened his eyes again, and smiled at Cyrus. He then took his hand, and intertwined their fingers.

“I’m ready”, he said softly. Cyrus was beaming back at him. Together, both boys walked through the main entrance, into the school, their joined hands swinging in between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't hesitate to leave a comment!  
> #lovewins

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hesitate to leave a comment!  
> #lovewins


End file.
